My Crazy, Sweet Journey to Motherhood...: Wednesday April 11, 2012

Today I had to go back to work. It was so hard to say goodbye to Tatum this morning! I cried my eyes out saying goodbye to her and the whole way to work. I need to go back because Rich still isn't working and we need the money. I'm bummed because I originally planned to take 8-10 weeks off but with Rich not working it's not possible. It's also going to be good for me to get back to a normal routine again and start to feel like myself again. I'm still having a hard time with what I think may be Post-Partum Depression or maybe still Baby Blues. I'm really not sure what the difference is but I'm still pretty sad and out of sorts. I'm not sad about having Tatum at all! I love her so, so much and wouldn't change anything it's just a huge adjustment and I think the fact that she came 5 weeks early really took a toll on me. I wasn't prepared at all and I still feel like the end of my pregnancy was robbed from me. I know that it was a gift getting Tatum a whole 5 weeks early but watching her in the NICU hooked up to Oxygen and feeding tubes was horrible. Having to leave her night after night in the hospital and going home without my baby was horrible. I would have to get up every few hours to pump and I would just stare at her picture that one of the nurses took of her and printed out for me. I would stare at it to help my milk letdown and to try and feel connected to her even though she was miles and miles away in North Scottsdale in the hospital without me. I didn't feel like a real Mom because I didn't have my baby at home with me. I wasn't taking care of her. There was a whole staff of nurses and doctors doing my job. I felt terrible, useless and like I said, not like a real Mom. I still feel like this isn't all real and that I'm in a dream world. It's been really difficult with Rich not working but it's also been the most beautiful thing to have him home with us. I thought when I was pregnant that I would only want him home the first 2 weeks and then want to settle into my own routine but it is so wonderful having him home. We make a great team and I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. I love my little family and I hope that I will feel more like myself really soon. I know I won't be the same person that I was before. I am forever changed but in the best way possible. God graced me with this most beautiful present that I have ever been given. I will never be the same person, but a better version of myself. I just have to figure out how to settle into this new person that I now am. I am a Mom now. I still can't believe it. I am a Mom now. I never thought I would be able to say those words. It is the most amazing feeling in the world!!